Unknown Person: Chapter 1

I want to tell you my story. I'm the only one who can.

I stepped out of the Yupster's apartment feeling like a million bucks. He spent the weekends at his girlfriend's overpriced downtown apartment, and as such, I was making use of his pad. It was always good to spend a night with a roof over your head and a bed, even if it wasn't your own. Besides, I thought, he'd never know. I was feeling especially creative and decided to take his out clothes for a spin too. I was walking down the street wearing khaki corduroys and a pink oxford; I even had his backup wayfarers on. Why not? Far as I knew, I could do it regardless of what I was wearing. Even glasses couldn't mess me up. "Hipster Bank-Robber Strikes!", read the Times headline in my mind. I chuckled at the thought. It's a mixed blessing that the things I do rarely make the news, I suppose.  

I walked over to First Imperial, the closest bank to the apartment. I was always walking, on account that I had no car or place of residence and had no way of getting either. However, getting money was easier for me than most, as I was about to demonstrate to the movie audience in my head.

I stepped into the First Imperial bank branch. The interior walls were painted a revolting golden brown that clashed poorly with the stone facade outside. The branch was nearly empty, save for two tellers, a guard, and a few poorly dressed immigrants seated opposite a banker. I always found the contrast between the clean, cheerful, youthful bank workers and dirty, depressed, middle-aged bank customers interesting; it always reminded me of medieval times, with the beautiful royalty and the shit covered peasants. It's the sort of thing you notice if you work at banks. Regardless, the small number of people would make this job a piece of cake. Both tellers greeted me, the guard, a chubby, balding middle-aged man, had his mind on other things.

I walked up to the teller, the one with the prettier smile. She was college-age and on the short side, but was fit and had gorgeous curly brown hair. Her teeth were textbook, she must have been a dentist's kid.

"Welcome to First Imperial Bank! My name's Jenny, what can we do for you today.", she greeted. I smiled in response. She seemed happy to see me. Couldn't have recognized me, must have been my hipster threads.
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You have to believe me when I say that I always tried to make sure nobody got hurt. Sure, I could come in here guns-blazing and get away with the money all the same, but if I was careful, everyone would get to go home. Or go to a hipster apartment, in my case. In any case, I wasn't armed for today's festivities.  

"Wow Jenny, those are nice nails you got there!", I said. I couldn't tell you anything about Jenny's nails, but what I can say is that this trick worked with most female teller, and some male ones. It was a good way to keep them from hitting silent alarm with their hands.

"Oh, you think so," she said, placing all ten of her fingers within view, "I had them done at this new place down the..."

"This is a robbery." I said, cutting her off, as my smile transformed into a scowl. "Give me all the money in your drawer and keep your hands where I can see them." She paused, as though my words had taken her to a new reality, which was a good thing, I had a minute or two to fill out and it's damn hard to blabber on for that long while you're robbing a bank. She began to turn her head.

"Don't look at her." I said calmly yet forcefully. "Get the money out of the drawer, Jenny. Put it into some envelopes!" She snapped out of her days and began pulling the money out of the drawer and into envelopes, just as I had asked. I could feel the gaze of the other teller and guard on me. I they must have known something was wrong. It didn't matter, it was almost time.

"Hey, calm down." I said cracking a smile. "Everything's gonna be alright." I said as she handed me envelopes. "By the way, anyone ever tell you that you have a lovely smile?"

"Huh?" She said, a response to me flipping the script yet again. Suddenly, the teller closed her eyes and gave her head a little shake, almost as though something had unexpectedly hit her between the eyes. She opened them, blinking. The guard, who was once at the door, was now standing a half-step behind me. He looked puzzled, it was a look I've grown accustomed to. I looked over to the other teller, she was already filing paperwork at her drawer. The Banker's speech on loans wasn't interrupted.

"Hey, you really snuck up on me there, Sir. Welcome to First Imperial Bank! My name's Jenny, what can we do for you today?" She said, as though the last few moments had never happened.

"Oh no." I said, "I've got everything I need, you have a nice day, Jenny."

I walked passed the guard, who was now a statue of confusion, and left the bank. Sure, she probably got fired for being short a couple of hundred dollars, but hey, that's capitalism. Maybe I'd come back in five minutes and do the same with the other teller, assuming no one had hit a silent alarm, of course.

I had plans to come back to First Imperial tomorrow, and City National, and all the other banks in this area over the weekend. The Hipster-Bank Robber was still on the loose, after-all. Of course, unknown to me, plans were about to change.